Someone recently told me that I should seek help to talk to someone about my problem because we had gotten into an argument via text message.
My immediate response was to turn off the phone.
But I got to thinking about my problem, and I finally came to realize what precisely that problem was.
You see, there are only two people I truly argue with, and one of them is my mother. I haven’t argued with her for quite some time though, especially since I moved away. Sometimes having your own privacy is the best remedy for clashing personalities.
But this second person is a friend of mine, and she’s been a friend for a very long time, despite many, many circumstances that could have led to the ending of said friendship.
I argue with her because she talks to me like I simply do not matter. My opinions don’t matter. My time doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t matter.
She is the one who is constantly making me wait and standing me up because she has more important things to do and simply can’t be bothered to let me know she’s decided to go on and do something else. She talks to me like I’m beneath her.
When you call her out on her bad behaviour she gets this little guilty grin on her face and she bloody laughs. She acts like a kid that’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar – she knows she’s guilty, and is trying to pretend to feel remorse, yet obviously does not regret her actions. Her apologies are forced by others, and she says them with a smile. She doesn’t mean it.
If I ask her if she wants to do something, instead of telling me no when she doesn’t, she simply ignores my message. She thinks that if she doesn’t give me a reply, then obviously I haven’t asked her.
She acts like I do not exist unless she is focusing her attention on me.
I can send her multiple messages and she won’t reply. But if I won’t reply to ONE text from her, she immediately calls me, without a care if I’m busy or not. She demands my attention NOW because I can’t possibly be DRIVING or taking a bath or SLEEPING when she bloody texts me.
She thinks it is okay to move her furniture at midnight when she knows that her neighbour below her (me) is trying to sleep. And by moving her furniture, I mean dragging it across her hardwood floors. You know what the sound of screeching furniture sounds like when you’re sleeping? Murder.
I have helped her numerous times in the past. I’ve helped her move. I’ve picked up the tab for her baby formula when she forgot her debit card at home (took me two weeks to get that money back because she “couldn’t afford it” and then I had to get it from her husband). I’ve given her toys for her baby, and purchased clothes for the baby just because I think it is cute and would look good on the baby. I was there for her when other friends abandoned her. I made homemade fries for her when she craved them but couldn’t stand the smell of the fries cooking in the kitchen.
I have done this because I am a friend.
And what do I get in return? I ask her if she can help me pack, and she immediately tries looking for an excuse not to help. Her husband offers his help to me for my moving day, and she turns to him and says, “Don’t promise anything. You might be doing something that day.”
What. The. Fuck.
That’s the sort of thanks I get for being a FRIEND?
And then she has the nerve to tell me that I have a problem. Me? I have the problem?
This is the lady who says, “I’ll be down in 45 minutes,” when we agree to go on a walk down to the mall where I need to pick up some birthday gifts. Well, 45 minutes go by and she still hasn’t shown up. Another half hour goes by and I’m looking at the clock and thinking if we don’t go soon the mall will close.
So I left, walking on my own. I picked up my gifts, and headed back home. Two hours had gone by since the time she was supposed to meet me. She sends me a text two hours late saying she had decided to take a nap and overslept. If you decided to take the nap, why didn’t you set an alarm?
She agrees to plans with me, and then goes shopping half an hour beforehand.
She is never on time. Never.
We once had plans to go to a movie and she showed up an hour late still expecting to go. What? Do you think the movie theatre put the screening on hold just for you? Seriously?!
I have been frustrated by her lack of respect for years now. Years.
So do I have a problem? Is something bothering me?
Yes. Yes, I do have a problem. My problem is her.
She treats me like shit and yet expects me to love her unconditionally?
I’m sorry, but there comes a point where I tell myself I’ve taken enough abuse, and that I will not stand for more.
My problem, dear friend, is that while I’m a good friend to you, you are a horrible friend to me.
My problem is that you’re a jerk.
And so, I have found the solution to that problem. You will obviously never change your behaviour patterns to be a better person, so why should I continue to take the abuse?
As of that text “You really should talk to someone about what actually is bothering u”, I’m done.
You will never understand that what bothers me is your treatment of me. You have used psychological manipulation on me. You have talked to me like I am a five year old. You have ignored me.
I know this is hard for you to believe, friend, but what bothers me is that you just don’t give a shit.
And so I’m done.
I think the healthiest choice for me is to move on from this friendship. It was never a good friendship, and it never will be.