Friday, January 16, 2009

Musings of Anon.

It’s amazing, don’t you think?

To be incapable of thinking of someone without feeling bothered, without seeing red, without wanting to rip your hair out, and let loose a cry of despair.

Isn’t it?

Just the thought of that one person ruins your whole day. You were going along fine, and then something reminds you of them, and suddenly you can’t think straight, and you wish you had never made the mistake of even talking to them, let alone letting them into your life completely.

How can one person cause such grief in your life when they aren’t even there? It’s not fair. It simply… is not… fair.

But then one day… one day in the future… you move on.

How is it that up until November 1st, thinking about you hurt? And how is it, from November 1st until about the middle of December the thought of you produced nothing but detached thoughts? And now. Now I can think about you, smile, and remember all of the good times, without feeling sorrow?

Why is it that the thought of you is having the opposite effect on me?

Curse you and everything you stand for.

But I sit here, and I ponder. How is it that the only way I can move on from hating you is to learn to ‘love’ someone else? And when that ‘love’ ends, when I finally look back on you, I can look back with fond memories, and a small smile upon my face? Is this the only way I will ever be able to heal from such instances?

And isn’t that such a shame?

That it took almost half a year to finally get over what you did. Because there were so many good memories that I wasn’t allowing myself to think about, because when I thought about you my breathing grew rapid and shallow, and I couldn’t think straight.

Finally, I am able to think straight – and my God, I’m starting to realize that I learned so much about myself when I was with you.

Perhaps the line, “Better as a memory than as your man” rings true in this situation, but my God… the memory that you are. I will never forget you, and what you stand for. You made almost three whole months of my life crazy exciting.

Thank you.

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