Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Musings on Heartache

To finally have something that you’ve wanted for so long and then to have it taken from you. It’s mind boggling, earth shattering. It rips at your heart, as you realize something you craved for so long is over, it’s gone, it will never come back.

You still want, you still need, and you still crave for this thing, However, this thing is gone, your life is now devoid of something you had become so accustomed to. You had let your life revolve around something, and now it was gone. So you are spinning off into outer space, with nothing to pull you in. You had put effort into this. And you had made commitments, and plans for the future, and this one person was such a big part of your life because you thought that this person, this single soul, was the one.

And then the world you were living in was shattered apart. Suddenly, you are finding out, at an unexpected moment that no, this person was not the one. In fact, this person didn’t even want to have anything to do with you anymore.

You have to get used to being only half a person, because you were whole when you were with him/her. It’s hard to do this. Much like when a loved one passes on, and you feel an empty space where they used to fill your life, you are now walking around empty, and pretty much everything reminds you of that person. Favourite foods, favourite places, everything.

So you’re constantly rehashing the past, and trying to figure what went wrong. And finally, you start to stop thinking about it so much – although not a day goes by that you don’t think of him/her. Finally, you’re feeling better. And then one of those future dates you had planned. Well, the event comes up in your calendar. And *bam* you’re right back down in the gutter again, curled up in the foetal position, crying your goddamned eyes out.

“I hate when things are over, with so much left that’s undone.”

Yah. Perhaps that’s the worst part. All the things that were planned. And not just the set in stone dates, but those tentative plans that you were continuously saying that you had to do together, like go to a certain bar, or go for a bike ride along a nice bike path, perhaps even planning a visit to an historical site. Then, when you finally do go about making plans to do those certain things – with other people, of course – you get nostalgic and teary-eyed and wish that you were doing this with that special someone who no longer thought of you as special.

“When you’re dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if she’s home
That’s when she’s more than a memory.”

Sometimes it’s hard to forget, because the person was the highlight of your life. Not only were they a lover, but a best friend as well. And when you find out that your best friend doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, it hurts. Because you had confided so much to your best friend. They knew things that no one else in the world knew about you. You feel betrayed. And don’t forget, they know everything. Every embarrassing thing. And they can pass this information on to whomever they please.

Whack fall the day!

No comments:

Post a Comment